Maybe Next Christmas

Maybe Next Christmas by Matthew Mayfield... a little dark but appropriate considering recent breakup events...



‘Maybe next Christmas’ she used to say
‘We’ll find a new life and we’ll both run away
Maybe next Christmas I won’t be with him
Maybe next Christmas we can start fresh again'

Maybe next Christmas we’ll have reaped what we’ve sown
Maybe next Christmas we’ll have paid what we owe
Maybe next Christmas we won’t be afraid
Maybe next Christmas we’ll both be ok

But you can’t pull the truth out of thin air
And you can’t manufacture what ain’t there
And maybe next Christmas we’ll sit by a fire
Maybe next Christmas you won’t be a liar

Maybe next Christmas I’ll be in your arms
With the scent of the evergreen keeping us strong
Maybe next Christmas I’ll finally get to see
You wearing that dress that you bought just for me

Maybe next Christmas you’ll be by my side
And relentlessly prove to me that I’m worth the fight
Maybe next Christmas I’ll have more to say
Than ‘I gave you everything and you gave me away’

But you can’t pull the truth out of thin air
And you can’t manufacture what ain’t there
And maybe next Christmas you won’t be thinking
That I’m just a criminal and you’re still the queen

Maybe next Christmas I’ll have more to say
Than I gave you everything and you gave me away
I gave you everything and you gave me away
I gave you everything and you gave me awa

How Not To Break Up With Someone

I don’t really know how to start this post… I’ve been crushed –again.  Broken up with via email – again.  Blindsiding me out of nowhere – again.  History repeats itself, almost 5 years later.

She had asked for a few days to think about what she wanted to do with her life, but promised to discuss it when we were both back in town (since I've been gone for a few weeks and she was visiting family back home).

Cue the email before we spoke again:

I'm staying in Kentucky. I know we need to figure out your tv and sofa. I'm not sure when I'm flying back to ca but if you want I can even sell them for you.

I'm sorry we haven't had another convo since I've been home but it's just what I needed.

I'm staying in Kentucky.  That says it all.  Cold and short.  Now calls now go unanswered.  Texts are brief and only about tying up loose ends with furniture.

What little more I could eek out via text:

Can we talk about this?

What else is there to talk about? My feelings for you have changed.

If you don't love me anymore then I'm going to need you to say it. 

I don't love you.

How does that happen in two weeks' time?

Maybe I never did.

I am in shock.  I have no idea what's going on, or why, or how.  Maybe I never did is burned into my brain.

I can't say that I'm totally surprised that she wanted to move back home... her disease has been giving her horrible health issues from the outset of our relationship.  She was unemployed which causes an obvious financial strain.  She was close with her mom and homesick.  All of this created a downward spiral.  My accidentally insensitive dismissal of her question of whether I would ever move back to Kentucky didn't help... I think that made her feel like she couldn't talk to me about what she was thinking.  But there is nothing I can think of that could hurt me more than doing it this way.  Talk about insensitive.  Disrespectful.  Downright mean.

When I knew she was serious about moving home in the last real conversation we had (as it turns out she had already decided before speaking with me about it), I started seriously thinking about moving back to Kentucky.  Would I choose the beach over the person that I loved?  The answer is most definitely no.  I know that I realized it too late, but I had no idea it was that pressing of a decision for her.  I don't know if it would've made a difference.

California is a nice place to live, that is all.  I don't see myself settling down here forever.  I would like to live here for a while longer, but I really miss having people I can rely on; two years in California and I can only count one or two close friends.  Anyway, back to the subject at hand...

There was no attempt to work things out, no honesty about how important and pressing the issue was in her mind.  I would do anything - anything - for her.  And now there's nothing I can do.  Crushed, broken, blindsided.

(Post script edit - as I found out that two weeks later, she's in an official Facebook relationship with a guy in Lexington.  I thought it couldn't get any worse...)


Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The waters warm and children swim
We frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor Day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
 And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the seasons change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin

I Went and Found a Girl

When I first moved to California last year, my friend Rameen linked me up with a Kentucky girl named Lindsay. We only hung out once in 2011 but chatted back and forth online pretty frequently while working. I'm still not quite sure how I wore her down, but we went on our first true date a few weeks ago and it looks like this could be a very good thing. I haven't felt this kind of potential in YEARS, and that's not just the infatuation talking. I mean, I am infatuated, but still. She has all of the traits of my ideal girl and that's something I haven't found since high school. She seems to like me too, so I didn't hesitate in posting all of this here. It's nice to have someone that recognizes the same potential in you.

Now that my project is wrapping up in California, I had the chance to go back to Australia or back to Atlanta if I chose. Both were tempting, but I'm going to stick it out here for a while. I don't think I'll ever get tired of living on the beach and this might be something worth staying to see what happens. I've spent a lot of time on the road over the past few years - this blog has been based around that. I might have actually found a reason to keep coming back here.

I heard a song by Dawes called Time Spent In Los Angeles that summed it up nicely. I know it's cheesy and whatever, but give me a break. It's been a long time coming.

These days my friends don’t seem to know me
Without my suitcase in my hand
Where I am standing still
I seem to disappear
But maybe that's how I found you
Maybe that's taugh me exactly what I want
Maybe meeting you so far away from home
Is what makes it all so clear

But you got that special kind of sadness
You got that tragic set of charms
That only comes from time spent in Los Angeles
Makes me want to wrap you in my arms

Somebody That I Used To Know

Check out this song by Gotye (an Aussie) featuring Kimbra (a Kiwi), called Somebody That I Used To Know. I've been playing it on repeat all evening. Not only is the video cool, but the lyrics are very relevant to my own experience (see full lyrics below).



Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know

Somebody...

Great Song

If I could write good lyrics, it would be like these. Simple, powerful, beautiful.

Josh Garrels - Ulysses



I'm holding on to the hope that one day this could be made right
Cause I've been shipwrecked, and left for dead, and I have seen the darkest sights
Everyone I've loved seems like a stranger in the night
But oh my heart still burns, tells me to return, and search the fading light

I'm sailing home to you I won't be long
By the light of moon I will press on
Until, I find, my love

Trouble has beset my ways, and wicked winds have blown
Sirens call my name, they say they'll ease my pain, then break me on the stones
But true love is the burden that will carry me back home
Carry me with the, memories of the, beauty I have known

I'm sailing home to you I won't be long
By the light of moon I will press on

So tie me to the mast of this old ship and point me home
Before I lose the one I love, before my chance is gone
I want to hold, her in, my arms

It's Time To Go

Written on a train between Brussels and Amsterdam.  I would say it's mostly autobiographical, but not totally.  I have the chords in my head, maybe I'll find time to put it all together.

It's Time To Go
----------------
Why do I roam
With just this beat up suitcase
I run along in this race
But I'd like to get back home

But what is home
An empty place that I call mine
Connections fade with passing time
And I don't need this phone

-
And I wish I had someone
To come back to
And I wish I had a reason
To stay
The miles go by
The days they fly
Can't spend my time
Just wond'ring why
You walk the path you choose
It's time to go
-

From here to there
I meet new people in each town
The one I need has not been found
I look I try I don't know where

I keep in touch
Friends tell me my life's so great
They'd like me home, I try to wait
For just one more to miss me that much

-
And I wish I had someone
To come back to
And I wish I had a reason
To stay
The miles go by
The days they fly
Can't spend my time
Just wond'ring why
You walk the path you choose
It's time to go
-


I wake up alone
'Cause no one wants a trav'ling man
But with no reason to stay where I am
Sweet irony you win
It's time to go

Lyrics

I wrote this song after a break up that happened more than a year ago. I never claimed to be good at writing lyrics, but it felt right at the time. Now I look back on it and am very embarrassed, but since almost no one reads this, I don't mind.

(to the music of Comfortable by John Mayer)

V1:
I worked on the night shift
And she lived down south.
Less than month later
I loved her without a doubt.
She gave...
Goosebumps.

V2:
She didn’t want love
At least not for a while.
I did what I could
To bring out that gorgeous smile.
She moved here
And we became We

Bridge:
I don’t know just how
We got where we are now
I could do so much better
Looking backwards.

Chorus:
I told her...
She’s the one but
Was it too late?

V3:
A shell of myself
As I go through the day
No sleep and no appetite
Pain won’t go away
I wonder...
What if?

V4:
She wants her distance
To find strength on her own
Get back to the old her
The one her friends used to know
I know that...
She needs it.

Bridge:
I don’t know just how
We got where we are now
I could do so much better
Looking backwards.

Chorus:
I told her...
She’s the one, but
Was it too late?
Why did I
Wait so long?
What's left to say?

V5:
All I can do now
Is just sit here and pray
I’ll get the chance
To do things the proper way
She’s strong now...
So happy...
Moving on...
Too late now?

Chorus:
I told her...
She’s the one, but
Was it too late?
Why did I
Wait so long?
What’s left to say?

I love you...