She had asked for a few days to think about what she wanted to do with her life, but promised to discuss it when we were both back in town (since I've been gone for a few weeks and she was visiting family back home).
Cue the email before we spoke again:
I'm staying in Kentucky. I know we need to figure out your tv and sofa. I'm not sure when I'm flying back to ca but if you want I can even sell them for you.
I'm sorry we haven't had another convo since I've been home but it's just what I needed.
I'm staying in Kentucky. That says it all. Cold and short. Now calls now go unanswered. Texts are brief and only about tying up loose ends with furniture.
What little more I could eek out via text:
Can we talk about this?
What else is there to talk about? My feelings for you have changed.
If you don't love me anymore then I'm going to need you to say it.
I don't love you.
How does that happen in two weeks' time?
Maybe I never did.
I am in shock. I have no idea what's going on, or why, or how. Maybe I never did is burned into my brain.
I can't say that I'm totally surprised that she wanted to move back home... her disease has been giving her horrible health issues from the outset of our relationship. She was unemployed which causes an obvious financial strain. She was close with her mom and homesick. All of this created a downward spiral. My accidentally insensitive dismissal of her question of whether I would ever move back to Kentucky didn't help... I think that made her feel like she couldn't talk to me about what she was thinking. But there is nothing I can think of that could hurt me more than doing it this way. Talk about insensitive. Disrespectful. Downright mean.
When I knew she was serious about moving home in the last real conversation we had (as it turns out she had already decided before speaking with me about it), I started seriously thinking about moving back to Kentucky. Would I choose the beach over the person that I loved? The answer is most definitely no. I know that I realized it too late, but I had no idea it was that pressing of a decision for her. I don't know if it would've made a difference.
California is a nice place to live, that is all. I don't see myself settling down here forever. I would like to live here for a while longer, but I really miss having people I can rely on; two years in California and I can only count one or two close friends. Anyway, back to the subject at hand...
There was no attempt to work things out, no honesty about how important and pressing the issue was in her mind. I would do anything - anything - for her. And now there's nothing I can do. Crushed, broken, blindsided.
(Post script edit - as I found out that two weeks later, she's in an official Facebook relationship with a guy in Lexington. I thought it couldn't get any worse...)
Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The waters warm and children swim
We frolicked about in our summer skin
I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor Day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin
On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the seasons change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin
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